Memoirs of a Basket Case

Thursday, 19 August 2010

I Have To Mingle With Society Again Soon

I haven't set foot in a school for 1 year and 5 months. I have found the absence of school hard to deal with. I actually enjoy work as my mind is very important to me and I like to keep it stimulated. I was too ill to work or even get out of bed for the majority of my absence and it's only been recently that I have started to exercise my mind. I've rediscovered my love of psychology and I'm really enjoying teaching myself new things. I have absorbed more knowledge than I would in any classroom which makes me wonder whether I should even go back to school. I don't mind the work aspect of it, it's the people. More so those of the female persuasion.
I have never been able to stomach other girls for as long as I remember. I even find it hard to stomach my own mother at times. I hate bitchiness. It is a form of bullying, I don't care what people say. "It's just girls being girls" does not wash with me. I would ignore things because I believed that it was just girls being girls/normal. But since I have left school I realised how low my self esteem was. And why was it so low? Girls.
I'm not the prettiest chocolate in the box. I'm more of the studious type. I'm also a lot more mature that my peer group so I always have to pretend to be someone else whilst socialising. I always appear to have a lot of friends, but I always feel lonely.
When I start school I will be with people who are younger than me because I'm having to start again as I never completed the year. When I went for the interview not too long ago I noticed that the majority of the people on the course were female. And extremely immature. And orange. I've never seen so much make up in my life. And their little orange faces kept screwing up whenever I was near...you know that stare girls give you when they are judging you? I seem attract that attention a lot.
So I'm not looking forward to school. I will be studying art...something that's not going to give me a lot of career options. I was going to go to a different school so I could take academic subjects...but I hate doing that. I find it boring and it doesn't inspire me...it drains me. I constantly have to live up to everyone;s expectations as well. Less than an A isn't good enough. It doesn't seem to matter that I tried my best.
I'm probably going to end up poor with a crappy job but I think I would rather do that than be permanently stressed and miserable. But I still worry about the future. I'm not a materialsitic person so I'm not worried about the financial side. As long as I can survive I don't care all that much. But I worry I will hate my job. I need to do something that inspires me, where I can be creative and think freely.
I've also never not had company at school. I've always had a lot of friends but this time I don't think it will be that way. I'm nearly 19 whereas the other girls will be 16. I don't think I'm going to find it easy to make friends if I am going to be myself. I'm weird, I'm quiet and I'm awkward. I could just be insincere like I used to be, but I can't do that anymore. It's not a case of not wanting to...I actually can't do it. That's what lead to me having a breakdown...trying to be perfect all the time. I have pretty much accepted that I am a flawed human being and that is okay. What I haven't quite got the hang of is not worrying about what people think. Criticism is crushing to me and I work so hard ot avoid it. I think I need to learn to just brush things off...

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

I'm Going To Start Introducing Some Of My Art

Hopefully one day I will be at a professional level :) But this is what I do in my spare time:

Monday, 16 August 2010

Do I Even Know Myself?

A very nice ENFJ I know sent me some links to articles about shadow functions. I've only ever heard about these in passing and I've never really thought to look into it deeper but I am glad that I did.

Here are the links she sent me:
http://psikoloji.fisek.com.tr/jung/shadow.htm
http://www.lessons4living.com/shadow.htm

I enjoyed reading the last link in particular, especially the part about the golden shadow. I always thought that the shadow had to be a bad thing but it seems that it can also be positive.

But this all got me thinking: do I even know myself? I mean, if someone asked me to lists traits that I felt applied to me, would they actually be my traits or would they be traits that I had chosen? I can think of a few examples. I usually describe myself as a calm and self controlled person. I pretend that I don't feel the need to express anger that I can easily control my impulses. But I actually feel anger very intensely. I feel resentful a lot because I really want to express my anger but I just don't know how. Well to be exact, I don't know how to express it in an acceptable way. It made me realise that maybe I am not as clam and self controlled as I believe myself to be. Maybe I just suppress that part of me because I feel it is "wrong" and because I don't want to be that way. I often react negatively to people who freely express anger and feel that they are very different from me. I frown upon how they can just fly off the handle as if I would never do such a thing. But maybe they're not as different to me as I think...or as I want them to be.

I have a lot more reading to do on this. It has really sparked an interest in me.

Sunday, 15 August 2010

I Wish That This Man Was My Teacher

I really do find this man's mind fascintaing. At first I didn't know whether I agreed with what he said about how good people can do bad things, that it might not be the "who" but the "what". I thought to myself: well I would never hurt someone regardless of the circumstances.I paused the video and thought about it and realised that I was being very idealistic (as usual). I do think that in some cases that it does have a lot to do with the "what" of the situation. The human mind can be conditioned and depending on the circumstances it can be capable of doing very destructive things. I was having these idealistic thoughts from the comfort of my own home where I feel secure and I have my own mind. But what if I was put into a totally different situation where I didn't have the same kind of control over my mind? Things are totally different when you feel secure and you have your thoughts to yourself. It takes a very strong person to stand up for what is right. The average person goes with the majority and doesn't question authority. This made me think: do I have an average mind? Would I be brave enough to stand up for what was right, even if I had someone in a position of authority telling me it was fine and that I should do it? Would I follow the majority or would I speak out? I would like to say that yes I would do the right thing but I realise that this is highly idealistic of me. Realistically, I cannot possibly know. Certain situations can do things to you, make you act out in a way that you never thought you were capable of. But it is important not to use this to excuse one's behaviour. There have been situations that have made me act out of character, sometimes in a negative way. But the situation is only partly responsible. In my opinion it only has a small responsiblity, although I know that many would disagree. I think the majority of the responsibility lies with you. It's your job to be brave.