Why I am a Cat Lover.

Cats are by far my favourite animal. I had a phobia of dogs for most of my childhood and although I have worked on it I'm still very nervous of them. When I was four years old I saw a girl get bit by a dog and although I hardly remember the actual attack, I remember the commotion afterwards and as a very shy child I find a lot of noise quite overwhelming. Plus my mother would always re-tell the story over and ovet again to people so it was always fresh in my mind. I was terrified of dogs and most people in my neighbourhood owned huge guard dogs because the crime rates were so high. So nobody could ever understand why I was afraid of them and although I tried to hide it it was difficult going to my friends' houses because almost everyone owned at least one dog. People could be quite unsympathetic and tease their dogs so the ywould bark at me and then would laugh at how nervous I got. Needless to say this didn't help. I was very close to my grandmother growing up. She lived quite far away and she had no transport and neither did my parents so it was hard for me to visit her as much as I would of liked. But when I did I loved it and would always cry when I had to go back home because I would be absolutely heartbroken. One of the main reasons for this was because she always had a lot of cats. I was around cats from a very young age and I couldn't help but notice how they were quiter than dogs and more reserved which completely suited my personality. They were also playful without being boistrous. Plus I think they are so pretty to look at and I likde how independent and intelligent there were. They all had their own little personalities and could be so funny. My fear of dogs had transferred onto a lot of other animals and they probably would have transferred onto cats if I hadn't have spent so much time with them.

I never had my own cat for a long time because we always had dogs because my dad liked dogs. But we could never afford to keep them so we would always end up giving them away. Plus I would be too frightened to go into the back garden or wherever they were kept in case they jumped up me. But one day my dad brought home a kitten from a farm where this dog had kept trying to attack it. It was the most nervous little things and at the time we assumed it was a girl and called it Tilly. We even brought it a pink collar :D But one day "Tilly" brough down a cuddly toy from my sister's bed. It was a cat that looked exactly like him (talk about self love!) and he began to do things that a female cat wouldn't do to a cuddly toy :P So we renamed him Charlie :D Charlie is a very aloof cat and we never really bonded. He likes to be on his own a lot, unless he is in a really playful mood. He seemed to attach himself to my mom so I never really spent a lot of time with him.

I was fourteen years old when I met Tilly. Yes I liked the name that much I named my other cat Tilly :D She was in quite a state when we found her. She had been starved and it seemed that she had been dumped on the canal that i lived next to as we saw her walking up the tow path. And then she wouldn't leave us alone. She is the most lvong cat I have ever met. She had no idea whether we were going to hurt her or not and she was still really friendly. Well she followed us back home and she woudn't leave my side. She's still at my side right now actually :D I am very attached to Tilly. I got bullied pretty badly at school and I had to leave my hometown about a year ago and I had no friends. I think Iwould have gone insane if it wasn't for Tilly. The love and loyalty you get from an animal is totally different to the love and loyalty of a human being. Human being seem to fall out of love and be disloyal all the time. They are also quite demanding and selfish. An animal just wants you to love them and not to hurt them mainly. I can tell my little Tilly is so grateful that she has someone to love her. She is an extremely loving cat and most people don't have the time to give her the attention she wants. I've always got her on my lap or she sits at the side of me. She even has her own side of the bed :D And if there isn't enough space next to me when i'm sleeping she will keep padding me with my paws so I wake up. And then she cocks her head to one side as if to say: "are you going to move over then?". Or sometimes she just nudges me over with her bum :) I think I would be lost without her and sometimes I worry how I will be when I lose her :( She is my best friend and I love her more than anything :) And I know that she loves me too :)


Tilly: The sweetest and funniest cat in the world :)

Cabinet I have Painted

My nan wanted her old cabinet revamped. She painted it in gold but something was still missing so I painted some of the detail black to create an accent colour :) I had so much fun although it was extremely time consuming and some of the detail was a bugger to do neatly. It's actually made me think of a possible career in funiture restoration :D

Scribbles

I like drawing. It keeps my mind occupied so I forget to think about things. Plus it relaxes me and I just enjoy it :)

I Have To Mingle With Society Again Soon

I haven't set foot in a school for 1 year and 5 months. I have found the absence of school hard to deal with. I actually enjoy work as my mind is very important to me and I like to keep it stimulated. I was too ill to work or even get out of bed for the majority of my absence and it's only been recently that I have started to exercise my mind. I've rediscovered my love of psychology and I'm really enjoying teaching myself new things. I have absorbed more knowledge than I would in any classroom which makes me wonder whether I should even go back to school. I don't mind the work aspect of it, it's the people. More so those of the female persuasion.
I have never been able to stomach other girls for as long as I remember. I even find it hard to stomach my own mother at times. I hate bitchiness. It is a form of bullying, I don't care what people say. "It's just girls being girls" does not wash with me. I would ignore things because I believed that it was just girls being girls/normal. But since I have left school I realised how low my self esteem was. And why was it so low? Girls.
I'm not the prettiest chocolate in the box. I'm more of the studious type. I'm also a lot more mature that my peer group so I always have to pretend to be someone else whilst socialising. I always appear to have a lot of friends, but I always feel lonely.
When I start school I will be with people who are younger than me because I'm having to start again as I never completed the year. When I went for the interview not too long ago I noticed that the majority of the people on the course were female. And extremely immature. And orange. I've never seen so much make up in my life. And their little orange faces kept screwing up whenever I was near...you know that stare girls give you when they are judging you? I seem attract that attention a lot.
So I'm not looking forward to school. I will be studying art...something that's not going to give me a lot of career options. I was going to go to a different school so I could take academic subjects...but I hate doing that. I find it boring and it doesn't inspire me...it drains me. I constantly have to live up to everyone;s expectations as well. Less than an A isn't good enough. It doesn't seem to matter that I tried my best.
I'm probably going to end up poor with a crappy job but I think I would rather do that than be permanently stressed and miserable. But I still worry about the future. I'm not a materialsitic person so I'm not worried about the financial side. As long as I can survive I don't care all that much. But I worry I will hate my job. I need to do something that inspires me, where I can be creative and think freely.
I've also never not had company at school. I've always had a lot of friends but this time I don't think it will be that way. I'm nearly 19 whereas the other girls will be 16. I don't think I'm going to find it easy to make friends if I am going to be myself. I'm weird, I'm quiet and I'm awkward. I could just be insincere like I used to be, but I can't do that anymore. It's not a case of not wanting to...I actually can't do it. That's what lead to me having a breakdown...trying to be perfect all the time. I have pretty much accepted that I am a flawed human being and that is okay. What I haven't quite got the hang of is not worrying about what people think. Criticism is crushing to me and I work so hard ot avoid it. I think I need to learn to just brush things off...

I'm Going To Start Introducing Some Of My Art

Hopefully one day I will be at a professional level :) But this is what I do in my spare time:

Do I Even Know Myself?

A very nice ENFJ I know sent me some links to articles about shadow functions. I've only ever heard about these in passing and I've never really thought to look into it deeper but I am glad that I did.

Here are the links she sent me:
http://psikoloji.fisek.com.tr/jung/shadow.htm
http://www.lessons4living.com/shadow.htm

I enjoyed reading the last link in particular, especially the part about the golden shadow. I always thought that the shadow had to be a bad thing but it seems that it can also be positive.

But this all got me thinking: do I even know myself? I mean, if someone asked me to lists traits that I felt applied to me, would they actually be my traits or would they be traits that I had chosen? I can think of a few examples. I usually describe myself as a calm and self controlled person. I pretend that I don't feel the need to express anger that I can easily control my impulses. But I actually feel anger very intensely. I feel resentful a lot because I really want to express my anger but I just don't know how. Well to be exact, I don't know how to express it in an acceptable way. It made me realise that maybe I am not as clam and self controlled as I believe myself to be. Maybe I just suppress that part of me because I feel it is "wrong" and because I don't want to be that way. I often react negatively to people who freely express anger and feel that they are very different from me. I frown upon how they can just fly off the handle as if I would never do such a thing. But maybe they're not as different to me as I think...or as I want them to be.

I have a lot more reading to do on this. It has really sparked an interest in me.

I Wish That This Man Was My Teacher

I really do find this man's mind fascintaing. At first I didn't know whether I agreed with what he said about how good people can do bad things, that it might not be the "who" but the "what". I thought to myself: well I would never hurt someone regardless of the circumstances.I paused the video and thought about it and realised that I was being very idealistic (as usual). I do think that in some cases that it does have a lot to do with the "what" of the situation. The human mind can be conditioned and depending on the circumstances it can be capable of doing very destructive things. I was having these idealistic thoughts from the comfort of my own home where I feel secure and I have my own mind. But what if I was put into a totally different situation where I didn't have the same kind of control over my mind? Things are totally different when you feel secure and you have your thoughts to yourself. It takes a very strong person to stand up for what is right. The average person goes with the majority and doesn't question authority. This made me think: do I have an average mind? Would I be brave enough to stand up for what was right, even if I had someone in a position of authority telling me it was fine and that I should do it? Would I follow the majority or would I speak out? I would like to say that yes I would do the right thing but I realise that this is highly idealistic of me. Realistically, I cannot possibly know. Certain situations can do things to you, make you act out in a way that you never thought you were capable of. But it is important not to use this to excuse one's behaviour. There have been situations that have made me act out of character, sometimes in a negative way. But the situation is only partly responsible. In my opinion it only has a small responsiblity, although I know that many would disagree. I think the majority of the responsibility lies with you. It's your job to be brave.