I'm Back.

I have been away for a long time. I deleted my posts because...well I don't really have an answer for that...apart from the obvious. I'm a very private person, or at least I was until I discovered blogs, forums etc. Suddenly I felt braver and I allowed myself to reveal things about myself that I would never reveal in real life. I would like to say that I don't feel ashamed of myself and my past because I know that there is nothing to be ashamed of...but that would be a lie. I'm incredibly ashamed. I feel that it makes me unattractive and makes my goal even more unattainable. My goal to be normal. I haven't had a normal life and I don't think like most people. I know that this doesn't make me a bad person but I can't help but feel that I could be a better person without all this. It's strange. Logically...there is nothing to be ashamed of. I know I didn't do anything wrong and if someone else was in the same situation as me I would tell them that they have nothing to be ashamed of, in fact they should feel proud that they have come so far. My head knows this...but my heart doesn't. I know these things...but I don't believe them. That probably made no sense. I talked to a professional counsellor about that some time ago and she had no clue what I was going on about. Maybe she was just a terrible counsellor, or maybe I really am a basket case - I don't know. And I don't really remember. Because I have had a nervous breakdown. And yes, I am ashamed of that.
Nobody knows this apart from my family. I had a nervous breakdown at the age of seventeen. I am eighteen now and I'm still recovering from it. If you followed my previous entries that I have deleted you will have an idea why. If you haven't then I might explain in later posts...when my heart is in it. Sometimes I feel the need to explain things so people understand and also to protect myself as I don't want them to think that things aren't as bad as I am making out an invalidate my feelings. But because my heart isn't in it and it just feels like I am rigging up the past I don't explain it very well...which prevents them from understanding me fully and then my worst nightmare comes true - they invalidate my feelings. So I will explain...at some point I will explain everything. A lot of it might be a little confusing and you can ask me questions as the main point of this blog is to get rid of my shame. It's frustrating that my head and my heart are conflicting like this. I don't think they will ever be able to work together completely harmoniously as they are two different things but I want to get as close to that as possible. And I also want to reach out to other people. Some people will have gone through similar experiences and even if they haven't I'm sure at some point that they conjured up feelings that I will describe in this blog. I'm not one of those people who healed a long time ago and just spouts out pointless information about how time is a healer etc but aren't really thinking about how you feel because those painful feelings are just memories that happened a million miles ago somewhere. I am healing too and I don't mind if you want to heal with me. In fact, it would be my pleasure :)